New Burial Alternative for Dominicans!

In the interests of Canadian-Dominican friendship, the union of the Amalgamated Morticians and Artists of Newfoundland (AMAN), are offering to Dominican expats and others an exciting new burial alternative!

Read about it below in our advertisement that appeared in the St. John's, Nfld, BUGLE, in September. The service is now being offered to dead people (with one odiferous exception) everywhere in the Western Hemisphere!

(Please note that the entire corpse of the newly-departed loved one must be shipped to Newfoundland at the shipper's expense. The AMAN cannot accept ashes because there is no way they can be verified as genuine human ashes and not ashes from the fireplace or coal-burning furnace. ALSO! Neither the corpse nor the ashes of Brian Wales, aka LORD ASSHOLE, Dufus, etc., will be accepted even if shipped by his grieving widow, Linda. For one thing, he was not even a human being when he was alive! Also, the stench would be over-powering even to morticians who are used to foul odours!)

Your Dead Loved Ones Will Live Forever!

An exciting new burial alternative offered by Bust-Your-Ashes™
Memorial Busts
(A Division of Just-In-Time Mortuary Services, Inc.)

After your husband (or wife) dies, let Bust-Your-Ashes™ take your loved one's ashes, mix them with sculptor's clay, then mold them with skilled artist/mortician's hands to create a replica of your loved one that you will cherish forever!

As with the ashes of deceased fisherman John Grubb (pictured left), the skilled mortician/sculptor can make a bust that is a perfect replica of your loved one!

If desired, the bust can also be dressed in any costume that the deceased wore or hankered to wear during his or her lifetime! Busts made out of ashes is just one application of this exciting new sculptor/mortician technology!


We at Bust-Your-Ashes™ have had great success in mixing ashes into urinals, toilet bowls, coffee mugs, chastity belts, and a host of other household items that are providing the bereaved with a constant reminder of their dearly departed. Just use your imagination!

Contact Bust-Your-Ashes™ NOW!
Phone 1-800-BUST-ASH, or e-mail
coolcadaver@dropdead.com

Act NOW for complete information about this exciting new burial alternative!

Look what Abigail Grubb of Widow's Tits, Nfld, says about her late fisherman husband, John Grubb, who is now with her forever!

"John had a wonderful sense of humour and the bust made with his ashes makes me feel he ain't really dead..."

John's bust now 'rests' in her parlour and Abigail feels that John has never left her.

"As in life, John is wearing his infectious grin, like he had just gotten the latest pogey cheque in the mail."

Upscale Restaurant Sued

Gourmet Actor Sues Upscale Restaurant
for "Gross Incompetence."

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Hannibal Lecter (Sir Anthony Hopkins), appears in latest horror flic, Lord Asshole

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By Scott Upchuk, Fine Dining Reporter, The POP Report, Puerto Plata

The POP Report, Puerto Plato (NP). Hannibal Lecter, noted actor and gourmet, fell violently ill recently after eating lunch at an upscale Dominican restaurant, Le Papillon, in their exclusive members-only bistro, Comer a cabeza completa, querido.

Mr. Lecter claims that the restaurant failed to follow his standing orders regarding preparation of his favourite dish—month old cadaver brains sautéed in elephant ejaculate.

This dish, his main luncheon staple for years, was from unauthorized sources, claims Mr. Lecter, who is suing for $100-million. In his suit, Mr. Lecter charges the restaurant with "gross incompetence and criminal negligence causing bodily harm and injured feelings".

Le Papillon vigorously denies the claim, saying that whatever Mr. Lector ate it must have been prepared by its former master chef, Brian Wales, who specialized in gourmet meals prepared with select animal sphincters. Mr. Wales has taken a new position at Quixotes Bar and Grill. which specialzes in such dishes."

After lunching at the restaurant Mr. Lecter claims he experienced severe nausea, which he blamed on the food he had just eaten. He was rushed to Ricardo Limardo Hospital where his stomach contents were pumped out and examined by forensic experts. Mr. Lecter in his suit claims that the forensic evaluation revealed that his meal had contained parts of a human neonatal cortex as well as strands of upper neck spinal cord. This indicated that it had been prepared from a cadaver that had died in less than wholesome conditions.

(Left, Mastodons about to engage in natural means of reproduction, if he gets it up)

His suit also claimed that the sauce used was not from an African but rather from an Asian elephant where the Hindu keepers induce ejaculation by mechanical rather than 'natural' means.

Pressed for details, Mr. Lecter's attorney claimed that mechanical ejaculation is induced by ten Hindus working feverishly in unison. This is done after the elephant has been out in the hot sun all day working hard moving giant hardwood logs about. The resulting sauce has a flat tartness that is "lacking in spontaneity and totally incompatible with the standards that Mr. Lecter insists upon."

Mr. Lecter was released from Ricardo Limardo Hospital later in the day and in the company of his attorney, Melvin Bellow, returned to his apartment in Allegro Playa, Dorado. There have been rumors circulating that some high-end restaurants like Comer a cabeza, which specialize in exotic meals based on sweetbreads and cranial contents, have lowered their standards by accepting cadavers from uncertified sources.

Jaime Martinez, Cabeza del Policia Nacinal, says, "entrepreneurs in Brazil and other Latin American countries are cutting down executed felons from gibbets and selling their body parts to an international ring of corpse smugglers." A spokesman for the restaurant hotly denied suggestions that they had used body parts from deceased drifters and crack house addicts or from foreign cadavers.

There is a large underground trade in such parts many of which are imported illegally from South America, especially Venezuela, where the president, Hugo Chavez, is said to be a big player in the trade. The new Head Chef at Le Papillon, Scott Teillhaber, said, "All ingredients used in the preparation of dishes for our special clientele are from carefully selected local sources and certified Grade A by Dominican health inspectors."
Scott Upchuk, The POP Report

At the TATE GALLERY this week

By Roger Meplease, our Arts Correspondent in London

Sir Humphrey Kindler-Smythe, Director of the Tate, who dismisses criticisms as coming from 'yahoos'.

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LONDON. The 2006 Turner Prize will be awarded this week. The prestigious £20,000 prize will be awarded in one of three exhibitions recently and currently offered at The Tate.

Stephen Pippins artful pastiche of wild animals’ dung has won unstinted praise from such critics as Marjorie Proops who says, "such works so courageously champion feminine relevance in a world dominated by corporate elites run entirely by men".

Pippin’s work is cleverly arranged as a triptych with The Madonna as the centerpiece, itself entirely fashioned of mixed-media elephant coprolites. Aptly dubbed PIETA, Pippins’s masterwork has everyone from the Queen down positively rapturous. The Royal Coprophilia Society had previously awarded it the prestigious Two Turds Up Award.

Another contender is Tracey Emin whose display of her chamber pot together with its contents marks a new benchmark for artistic excellence. Alongside the pot, Emin has artfully arranged a snot-stained Kleenex, a missed-pot puddle of urine, and a vial of her very own menstrual fluid.

Finally, Chris Ofili, is showing a short film of himself, in an endless tape, masturbating to the strains of Elgar’s Land of Hope and Glory played backwards on ancient instruments. As his seminal fluid endlessly re-enters his body to the glorious reversed strains of music, viewers are transfixed by its suggestion of infinite artful design, relevance, and gratuitous homage to post-Gloria Steinemism and the new millennium.

Some critics, those not on the art establishment Index of Approved Critics, are not quite so thrilled by the display, but The Tate stands proudly by its tradition of being in the vanguard of artistic expression.

Brushing off criticism that the show lacked relevance to a world struggling with war, poverty, disease, and the recent break-up of Sir Paul McCartney's marriage, the Tate’s Director, Sir Humphrey Kindler-Smythe, said the gallery will continue offering exhibits of excrement and other bodily fluids. “Unless we show it, they will not come,” he said, presumably meaning to the Tate. “ I can’t be bothered with people who don’t recognize great art when they see it.”

The show continues throughout 2006. Admission: Adults, ten globs of excrement from any animal; children in diapers (needing to be changed), free. Ofili’s version of Elgar’s music, Yrolg dna Epoh fo Dnal is said to be doing brisk sales in the museum’s gift shop.

Roger Meplease is the Cultural and Arts correspondent for The Chronic Horrid in London.

Decorating Tips and The Amazing Number

Redecorating the Guest Loo! (From Lord Asshole's Secret Blog)

Hi, Lord Asshole here! I see you have navigated to my Special Invitation Only blog (that's Special as in the British use of the term - Special Clinic. Ha! Ha!). Those other morons and idiot ex-pats trying to get to my old blog will see:

Not Found . The requested URL was not found on this server. Please visit the Blogger homepage or the Blogger Knowledge Base for further assistance.

Well, congratulations, you've managed to get here and I must tell you I'm redecorating the guest loo in my fabulous house in Pata de Gallina. This was after the walls inadvertently received a coating of Lancashire Hot Pot (aka Sheppard's Pie) the other day. That moron Fidel Mendoza wrote and told me he had watched it flying through the air. I didn't know how that slimey scum managed it until I contacted my friends, the Executives at Yahoo. They told me that the site meter on my blog is cleverly crafted spyware. It is actually a sight meter. Get it? Ha! Ha! So idiot Mendoza has apparently gained access to see what is going on in my house, flying Hot Pot and all. Well, he will be laughing out of the other end of his anatomy when I contact my solicitor, David Brown, in England, who will issue him stern orders to decease and desist.

He keeps sending me emails telling me that people are watching me. But NOW I know he's lying! It isn't people watching me, it's the site meter which has a built-in high performance camera similar to those which the drones use in Afghanistan. I shall have to get my friends, the Yahoo Executives, to dismantle the meter or better still put it on Fidel Mendoza's evil parody blog. That'll shake him! I'll have the last laugh. Don't I always?

Now where was I? Oh yes! Redecorating ...
I have found a marvellous book called Redecorating Your Guest Loo by Dufus Twunt. I highly recommend it. It has given me all sorts of ideas. I think the colour scheme I will opt for is dandy grey russet. For those of you unfamiliar with this shade it is in Captain Francis Grose’s Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue of 1811: 'Dandy grey russet. A dirty brown. His coat's dandy grey russet, the colour of the Devil's nutting bag. '

It is also in a description written by the Reverend Jacob Bailey in 1799 of his escape in poverty to Halifax, Nova Scotia, during the American Revolution in 1779. If I do the walls in dandy grey russet then gravy won't show up, or Lancashire Hot Pot either. So dandy grey russet it is with puce edgings. Doesn't that sound as great to you as it does to me?

NOW SOME REALLY Great News!!!! (From Lyin' Brian)

Hi, Lyin' Brian here. Lord Asshole is selling out! Through spyware that we secreted into his new 'secret' blog (which only friends of Lord Asshole's can visit, so the number of 'legitimate' viewers must be very small), Brian is dividing up his 63 acres in the DR into 450 mini fincas. And the price of these estates is fabulously low -- Just $3,000 each! (Yes, I know, Brian said in his secret blog that the estates will be about 5 acres each but we all know how he got his nickname don't we?)

These parcels are on a first come, first buy, basis. The average lot size is below the 5 acres mentioned in his secret blog, but not really small when you consider the average Dominican lives in a crowded tenement much smaller than that.

What's more!!! All the lots will have a fabulous view of Lord Asshole's estate and when the buyers build a house on their mini finca, they will have available for a modest fee, an uninterruptible 24/7 power supply from Lord A's private industrial-sized generator! Just think of it! In a country where the power is off for an average of 12 out of every 24 hours, these proud owners will have constant power from a reliable source!

BUT WHAT IS THE EXACT LOT SIZE?
Of course, the question arises, how did Lord A. arrive at a lot size of around 6,000 sq. ft? Well, the answer is they had to be this size and at the stated price in order to yield him a profit of $1,350,000, which is close to the amount he needs to settle the lawsuit he faces for issuing bad cheques and attending to urgent personal matters such as how to get rid of his drunken wife who refuses to turn over her remaining inheritance to him.

But we did some digging through newspaper archives (including his own, now invitation-only blog, Living the Adventure) and found that the square footage (not metres) is equal to the number of lies plus bad cheques he has issued during his 64 years as a career hustler and serial scumbag!

But the exact number of sq. ft. in Lord Asshole's mini francas has some other amazing qualities, which we can only assume are not coincidental!

These properties have led us to announce a contest that will serve not only to provide entertainment but also for the persevering intellectually curious reader, a chance to win big money! It would also be useful for teachers teaching kids subtraction. It would not only help teach them an elementary skill, but also show them that mathematics is not only mysterious but can also be fun.

THE CONTEST
First choose any four digit number where the digits are not all the same (that is not 1111, 2222, ...). Then rearrange the digits to get the largest and smallest numbers these digits can make. Finally, subtract the smallest number from the largest to get a new number, and carry on repeating the operation for each new number. Example: 8056 is arranged to get biggest number, 8650; then subtract the smallest number, 0568, to yield 8082. Repeat the process until you arrive at the magic number!

Try it again with another four-digit number and get the same result! The first person who in 'comments' correctly provides the mysterious number will get a secret prize. Of course , if this person identifies themselves as 'anonymous' the prize will be hard to deliver; so Lyin' Brian suggests you give your real name and postal address (Lord Asshole, for obvious reasons, cannot be accepted as a contestant).

NOW FOR AN ASTOUNDING OFFER!!!!
Anyone who can provide PROOF why the above procedure always arrives at the same magic number, will receive the first FREE tickets to the new movie, LORD ASSHOLE, Evil Slumlord runs amok, starring Sir Anthony Hopkins, which is now being filmed in and around the slums of Dartmouth, Nova Scotia.

Ta, Ta for now, Lyin' Brian

P.S. If you would like a change from Lord asshole to more worthy subjects, go to: http://relivingthe misadventute.blogspot.com/