Upscale Restaurant Sued

Gourmet Actor Sues Upscale Restaurant
for "Gross Incompetence."

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Hannibal Lecter (Sir Anthony Hopkins), appears in latest horror flic, Lord Asshole

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By Scott Upchuk, Fine Dining Reporter, The POP Report, Puerto Plata

The POP Report, Puerto Plato (NP). Hannibal Lecter, noted actor and gourmet, fell violently ill recently after eating lunch at an upscale Dominican restaurant, Le Papillon, in their exclusive members-only bistro, Comer a cabeza completa, querido.

Mr. Lecter claims that the restaurant failed to follow his standing orders regarding preparation of his favourite dish—month old cadaver brains sautéed in elephant ejaculate.

This dish, his main luncheon staple for years, was from unauthorized sources, claims Mr. Lecter, who is suing for $100-million. In his suit, Mr. Lecter charges the restaurant with "gross incompetence and criminal negligence causing bodily harm and injured feelings".

Le Papillon vigorously denies the claim, saying that whatever Mr. Lector ate it must have been prepared by its former master chef, Brian Wales, who specialized in gourmet meals prepared with select animal sphincters. Mr. Wales has taken a new position at Quixotes Bar and Grill. which specialzes in such dishes."

After lunching at the restaurant Mr. Lecter claims he experienced severe nausea, which he blamed on the food he had just eaten. He was rushed to Ricardo Limardo Hospital where his stomach contents were pumped out and examined by forensic experts. Mr. Lecter in his suit claims that the forensic evaluation revealed that his meal had contained parts of a human neonatal cortex as well as strands of upper neck spinal cord. This indicated that it had been prepared from a cadaver that had died in less than wholesome conditions.

(Left, Mastodons about to engage in natural means of reproduction, if he gets it up)

His suit also claimed that the sauce used was not from an African but rather from an Asian elephant where the Hindu keepers induce ejaculation by mechanical rather than 'natural' means.

Pressed for details, Mr. Lecter's attorney claimed that mechanical ejaculation is induced by ten Hindus working feverishly in unison. This is done after the elephant has been out in the hot sun all day working hard moving giant hardwood logs about. The resulting sauce has a flat tartness that is "lacking in spontaneity and totally incompatible with the standards that Mr. Lecter insists upon."

Mr. Lecter was released from Ricardo Limardo Hospital later in the day and in the company of his attorney, Melvin Bellow, returned to his apartment in Allegro Playa, Dorado. There have been rumors circulating that some high-end restaurants like Comer a cabeza, which specialize in exotic meals based on sweetbreads and cranial contents, have lowered their standards by accepting cadavers from uncertified sources.

Jaime Martinez, Cabeza del Policia Nacinal, says, "entrepreneurs in Brazil and other Latin American countries are cutting down executed felons from gibbets and selling their body parts to an international ring of corpse smugglers." A spokesman for the restaurant hotly denied suggestions that they had used body parts from deceased drifters and crack house addicts or from foreign cadavers.

There is a large underground trade in such parts many of which are imported illegally from South America, especially Venezuela, where the president, Hugo Chavez, is said to be a big player in the trade. The new Head Chef at Le Papillon, Scott Teillhaber, said, "All ingredients used in the preparation of dishes for our special clientele are from carefully selected local sources and certified Grade A by Dominican health inspectors."
Scott Upchuk, The POP Report