Decorating Tips and The Amazing Number

Redecorating the Guest Loo! (From Lord Asshole's Secret Blog)

Hi, Lord Asshole here! I see you have navigated to my Special Invitation Only blog (that's Special as in the British use of the term - Special Clinic. Ha! Ha!). Those other morons and idiot ex-pats trying to get to my old blog will see:

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Well, congratulations, you've managed to get here and I must tell you I'm redecorating the guest loo in my fabulous house in Pata de Gallina. This was after the walls inadvertently received a coating of Lancashire Hot Pot (aka Sheppard's Pie) the other day. That moron Fidel Mendoza wrote and told me he had watched it flying through the air. I didn't know how that slimey scum managed it until I contacted my friends, the Executives at Yahoo. They told me that the site meter on my blog is cleverly crafted spyware. It is actually a sight meter. Get it? Ha! Ha! So idiot Mendoza has apparently gained access to see what is going on in my house, flying Hot Pot and all. Well, he will be laughing out of the other end of his anatomy when I contact my solicitor, David Brown, in England, who will issue him stern orders to decease and desist.

He keeps sending me emails telling me that people are watching me. But NOW I know he's lying! It isn't people watching me, it's the site meter which has a built-in high performance camera similar to those which the drones use in Afghanistan. I shall have to get my friends, the Yahoo Executives, to dismantle the meter or better still put it on Fidel Mendoza's evil parody blog. That'll shake him! I'll have the last laugh. Don't I always?

Now where was I? Oh yes! Redecorating ...
I have found a marvellous book called Redecorating Your Guest Loo by Dufus Twunt. I highly recommend it. It has given me all sorts of ideas. I think the colour scheme I will opt for is dandy grey russet. For those of you unfamiliar with this shade it is in Captain Francis Grose’s Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue of 1811: 'Dandy grey russet. A dirty brown. His coat's dandy grey russet, the colour of the Devil's nutting bag. '

It is also in a description written by the Reverend Jacob Bailey in 1799 of his escape in poverty to Halifax, Nova Scotia, during the American Revolution in 1779. If I do the walls in dandy grey russet then gravy won't show up, or Lancashire Hot Pot either. So dandy grey russet it is with puce edgings. Doesn't that sound as great to you as it does to me?

NOW SOME REALLY Great News!!!! (From Lyin' Brian)

Hi, Lyin' Brian here. Lord Asshole is selling out! Through spyware that we secreted into his new 'secret' blog (which only friends of Lord Asshole's can visit, so the number of 'legitimate' viewers must be very small), Brian is dividing up his 63 acres in the DR into 450 mini fincas. And the price of these estates is fabulously low -- Just $3,000 each! (Yes, I know, Brian said in his secret blog that the estates will be about 5 acres each but we all know how he got his nickname don't we?)

These parcels are on a first come, first buy, basis. The average lot size is below the 5 acres mentioned in his secret blog, but not really small when you consider the average Dominican lives in a crowded tenement much smaller than that.

What's more!!! All the lots will have a fabulous view of Lord Asshole's estate and when the buyers build a house on their mini finca, they will have available for a modest fee, an uninterruptible 24/7 power supply from Lord A's private industrial-sized generator! Just think of it! In a country where the power is off for an average of 12 out of every 24 hours, these proud owners will have constant power from a reliable source!

BUT WHAT IS THE EXACT LOT SIZE?
Of course, the question arises, how did Lord A. arrive at a lot size of around 6,000 sq. ft? Well, the answer is they had to be this size and at the stated price in order to yield him a profit of $1,350,000, which is close to the amount he needs to settle the lawsuit he faces for issuing bad cheques and attending to urgent personal matters such as how to get rid of his drunken wife who refuses to turn over her remaining inheritance to him.

But we did some digging through newspaper archives (including his own, now invitation-only blog, Living the Adventure) and found that the square footage (not metres) is equal to the number of lies plus bad cheques he has issued during his 64 years as a career hustler and serial scumbag!

But the exact number of sq. ft. in Lord Asshole's mini francas has some other amazing qualities, which we can only assume are not coincidental!

These properties have led us to announce a contest that will serve not only to provide entertainment but also for the persevering intellectually curious reader, a chance to win big money! It would also be useful for teachers teaching kids subtraction. It would not only help teach them an elementary skill, but also show them that mathematics is not only mysterious but can also be fun.

THE CONTEST
First choose any four digit number where the digits are not all the same (that is not 1111, 2222, ...). Then rearrange the digits to get the largest and smallest numbers these digits can make. Finally, subtract the smallest number from the largest to get a new number, and carry on repeating the operation for each new number. Example: 8056 is arranged to get biggest number, 8650; then subtract the smallest number, 0568, to yield 8082. Repeat the process until you arrive at the magic number!

Try it again with another four-digit number and get the same result! The first person who in 'comments' correctly provides the mysterious number will get a secret prize. Of course , if this person identifies themselves as 'anonymous' the prize will be hard to deliver; so Lyin' Brian suggests you give your real name and postal address (Lord Asshole, for obvious reasons, cannot be accepted as a contestant).

NOW FOR AN ASTOUNDING OFFER!!!!
Anyone who can provide PROOF why the above procedure always arrives at the same magic number, will receive the first FREE tickets to the new movie, LORD ASSHOLE, Evil Slumlord runs amok, starring Sir Anthony Hopkins, which is now being filmed in and around the slums of Dartmouth, Nova Scotia.

Ta, Ta for now, Lyin' Brian

P.S. If you would like a change from Lord asshole to more worthy subjects, go to: http://relivingthe misadventute.blogspot.com/