Abuse of 911

Well, I'll be darned!!!

Can you believe it!!! Me, Brian Wales, Mr. Nice Guy to my several hundred friends in the DR, have in hand a warrant from the Halifax police saying I have to appear in court in November to answer charges that I assaulted my wife and abused the 911 system!!!!! It's so laughable that I think I'll spurt off some Pantherpiss in several directions to demonstrate my derision!

You know what these idiots in Halifax charge??? They claim that one night in 2003 my wife was taken to the Halifax Infirmary in an ambulance and that I, trying to find out how she was doing, called 911 fifty times in a four hour period!!! Because of that, these morons want to charge me with abusing the 911 system!!! Well, to get the record straight, here's what happened:

I was instructing my drunken sot of a wife, Linda, in the fine art of peeling an avocado with a ten-inch butcher knife. when during her enthusiastic learning experience , she got too close to my 'experimental' (heh heh) still. Private stills are illegal in Canada, but so is growing marijuana even for health reasons, besides which I consider myself above the law wherever I live.

Anyway, the still was bubbling away with an experimental brew of Ducado Pantherpiss Oaken Whiskey that I intended to (and did) market when we moved to the Dominican Republic. Well, can you imagine! As my wife staggered around, I tried to stop her but she bumped against the still, and as she fell to the floor the butcher knife cut a long gash on her arm.

Her spurting blood was so copious that it was pooling in the broadloom and she even splattered gobs of it over the walls. It was almost as bad as when she pissed our bed and broadloom in Pata de Gallina as I reported later in an email to several friends. Anyway, it was staining the rugs and tapestries so bad they would be useless in our new home in the Dominican Republic, when we moved there the following year.

I had been drinking moderately that evening, as I do every evening, in contrast with Linda's guzzling down at least two bottles of my (experimental) Oaken Whiskey. All the same, Nova Scotia is very strict about driving and drinking, so I called 911 to come and get her.

Unbelievable!!!! It took those idiots 15 minutes to get here though we lived only 5 minutes away from the firehall where the morons keep their 911 truck. Meanwhile, I was desperately trying to soak up the blood and prevent further damage to my priceless rugs and tapestries.

Linda was babbling drunkenly as the 911 goons placed her on the gurney and to some of them, it seemed like she was shrieking, "Brian did it to me!" when she was really saying, "Brian didn't do it, it was me!"

Well, as i say, I still had a horrendous mess to clean up and for obvious reasons I couldn't go with her while she was rushed to emergency in Halifax.

In my concern, understandably, I kept calling 911 to find out whether they had called in the police about her ravings. I worried that she might tell them that I somehow had caused the accident. So I called 911 every few minutes because they wouldn't give me a straight answer. So that's a crime????? I was concerned that she had blabbed untruths about me. Despite my explanation, the police got threatening and said I would be charged with mischief and and abuse of the 911 system.

WELL, I thought it had all been sorted after I explained that I suffer from diabetes insipidus and that in me, the disorder causes me to become agitated whenever I encounter a stressful situation. But the morons still placed me in jail overnight and charged me with mischief and abuse of the 911 system. That was the last I heard of it until I got the summons.

Well, Ha, ha! you losers and morons! I'll appear in court about the same time O.J.Simpson admits he killed his ex-wife and friend and offers millions in compensation to their relatives!!!

If you look carefully at the pictures of Linda in my blog, Living the Adventure, you'll see that her arm has healed and there's only a ten inch scar on her arm.