SELFLESS GESTURE

From the 12 September, issue of the Puerto Plata News.

LOCAL VINTNER, Distiller, Insufferable Blogger, Donates Main Body Part for Medical Research.

Puerto Plata, Special to the News. In a selfless gesture that has given new hope to those suffering torments from insufferable assholes, Brian Wales of Puerto Plata has donated his sphincter for research. Although he has insisted that his sphincter can be studied only after his death, which given his current age (64 on Friday) cannot be far off, Mr. Wales’s sphincter is so unusual, representing as it does his entire personality, the generous donation has electrified researchers in the field of sphincter research. The Nobel Committee is said to be considering a special medal to be awarded to Mr. Wales while he is still around to enjoy the honour.

On Mr. Wales’s death, most of his body which is pure sphincter, will be delivered to the Centre for Sphincter Research in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada (that’s not far from Sydney, Australia), Dr. Norman Pinsky, Chief Pathologist at the center, was astonished, astounded and practically in tears when told the news. Wiping his eyes on a clean tissue used to hold unusual specimens, he informed this reporter, “… never before have we had a complete and total asshole to study.”

He continued, “I apologise for using the vulgar word ‘asshole’, but in this institute literally surrounded by all kinds of sphincters - large, petite, rosy-red, gross, puckered, pinched, indifferent, weirdly-shaped, inside out, upside down, etc., we researchers can’t go around all the time calling them by the medically correct term. But in Mr. Wales’s case, the word is entirely appropriate.”