AN ABOMINABLE FIND
Well, early this morning, after spending all that money, thinking Ive finally got the clean pool I deserve, I get out of bed, trip down to the bath house and prepare myself for an invigorating dip. And then I realize the mistakeI I made not having a fence put around it!! Because in my pool, which the evening before was crystal clear, there's floating a bloated body!!
My initial reaction was that some local Pata de Gallina drunk had wandered onto my property during the night, probably pissed on cheap wine (not my quality Ducksplatt del Pantherpiss, of course), and in a drunken stupour fell into the pool and drowned!!!
Well, to my utter surprise, after I had the body fished out by an employee who works in my bottling shed, it turned out to be the remains of the chief contractor who I had paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to build the pool in the first place!!
Unbelievably, on his body was a suicide note, saying, that he had not been paid by me, Lyin Brian, and that his wife and eighteen children would starve as a consequence!! Who is he kidding??? Because he did such a lousy job, did he expect me to pay hin!!! Such arrogance!! I just can't believe these corrupt, deadbeat natives expect to be paid ANYTHING when they do such lousy work!!
Well, the body has been disposed of and I've had the pool drained, cleaned, and disinfected, and things are more or less back to normal. Now, I ask you: WHAT ELSE COULD I HAVE DONE?
Drink responsibly
Drink only Mine
Drink Ducksplatt del Pantherpiss
posted by Lyin' Brian at 4:52 p.m.
3 Comments:
Such a shame that it wasn't Linda who found YOUR dead, bloated body floating in the pool this morning!
Oh dear me, that fiendish tracking software has made it almost impossible for me to post, but I think I can get this out before this internet cafe computer is compromised.
My goodness do I have some questions!!
For example, Ducado the drunk says
" We are a craft winery. We do everything by hand and in small quantities. Our methods are similar to those used by major processors but on a much smaller scale. Except for those making wine from powder which produces PLONK. Come have a look sometime"
But wait a minute Ducado, I just checked out your blog and something doesn't jive.
Wine:
The Ducado grows no grapes. Actually the Duke makes his wine from imported concentrated graped juice and jelly. You can read about it in more detail in his blog at:
http://avocadolibrian.blogspot.com/2005_08_01_avocadolibrian_archive.html look under the heading "Our First Vintage"
This is wine from concentrate is probably not what most people think of when they think of wine. Even the winemakers guide says that:
"Many concentrates suffer from a variety of deficiencies. The grapes used to make the concentrates are not always quality grapes. The best grapes will naturally be selected by commercial winery representatives and jobbers, who are often present during harvest and select the soundest, ripest and sweetest grapes. What is left is then available for making juice, concentrates and occasionally raisins.Several qualities for which particular grapes might be valued in winemaking, especially fragrance, color and varietal character, are largely lost during the concentration process. If higher temperatures are used to speed up concentrate production, some of the natural sugar may caramelize into 2-hydroxymethyl-furfural and other unstable compounds. The resulting off-odors and flavors negate the possibility of making a really good wine from the concentrate, and if the winemaker errs anywhere in the winemaking process a truly poor wine can result"
Whiskey:
Ducado whiskey, both the single malt and highland black, however, are in fact distilled alcohols with whiskey flavorings added. He describes this process on his blog here:
http://avocadolibrian.blogspot.com/2005_08_01_avocadolibrian_archive.html , under the title "Booze Room".
Toward the end of the paragraph, he mentions the "whiskey flavouring" he purchases to "make" his whiskey.
And he is quick, very quick. To make his whiskey, he just needs a few hours to crank up the ole still :
http://avocadolibrian.blogspot.com/2005_09_01_avocadolibrian_archive.html look toward the bottom under "Oaken Whiskey"
However, Whiskey is a specific product and is legally defined as you can see in this article:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scotch_whisky#Legal_definition note: pay special attention to the requirements of the single malt
The Drunken Duck stepped in doo-doo again.
Vodka:
Vodka is usually produced from grains,molasses, potatoes or rice. More on its production is noted here:
http://www.ginvodka.org/history/vodkaproduction.html
What is Ducado Vodka produced from?? Rotten fruit? Animal parts?
Gin:
Gin can actually be made from whatever alcohol base with its distinction being the flavouring process. Once again, the use of
flavourings such as the Ducado uses creates what is called a "Low quality compound gin"
http://www.tastings.com/spirits/gin.html
What is Ducado Gin produced from?? Hide the kitty honey, Brian is staggering over to visit!
Brandy:
Since Ducado also mentions that he purchases "Brandy Flavouring", we are led to believe that he once again simply flavours some sort of
alcohol to make his "Brandy", not the traditional process of distilling wine:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brandy
and yet the ever-erratic Brian looks toward the refuse bin for his inspiration.
I have heard that Lyin Brian uses animal parts and advocados to make his special blend, is that true? If it is then the Drunken Duck should advertise that as the novelty alone would help him move his merchandise. I mean, he already is like a one-man walking freak show. All you have to do is get him liquored up, dress him up in his avocado suit and set him loose.
C'mon now Ducado, with your penchant for doing the right thing. you for forthwrightnest and honesty, what are you trying to sell ????????????
And the funniest thing of all is that Ducado, the village idiot and town drunk of Pata de Gallina, never investigated the taxes that he would be required to pay BEFORE he started. Then whines like a twink when he discovers that he has made yet another stupid mistake. Oh yeah, what a savvy buinessman!!!!!!!! Boy, that franchise deal is really looking good !!!
Yes, the same man who lived in Spain for years but, hold on now, doesn't speak any Spanish!! The same man who paid a lawyer "hundreds of thousands" to fill out some paperwork that he could have done himself for a pittance. The same twink who paid more for a broken-down used truck for more than he could a bought a new one (Well, at least the mechanic enjoyed screwing him on that). Oh goodness I could go on, but I think the tracking software is homing in on me..............
In case you're wondering WHY Lyin' Brian is closing up shop and pulling out to another place (blogwise........we should be so lucky!)he edited his post. The original said 'UNTIL THE OWNERS OF GOOGLE DECIDE TO HONOUR THEIR TERMS OF USAGE - WE WILL BE TRANSFERING OUR BLOG ELSEWHERE. Nice to have known you. Bye.'
The evidence as unearthed by Miss Marple is here:
http://search.blogger.com/?q=Avocadolibrian&btnG=Search+Blogs&hl=en&ie=UTF-8&bl_url=&x=63&y=5&ui=blg
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