THOROUGHLY PISSED OFF IN PARADISE

WHAT A WEEK!!!
Last Thursday, I was busy in my backyard distillery/winery inspecting a rack of skunk ass****s to add flavoring to a batch of Oaken Whiskey to be delivered on Friday to one of the Top All-Inclusive Hotels in Sosua. Suddenly, in the midst of my disciplining and knocking down a pregnant Dominican employee for letting a weasel’s ass**** get into the mixture (I fired her on Friday), a squad of the IMPUESTOS INTERNOS arrived, unannounced! Normally, these crooked shakedown artists just take a case of my finest wine, Ducksplatz del Pantherpiss, but on this day, these Dominican bandits wanted more. Yes, it’s hard to believe, but it was soon apparent they wanted more! MUCH, MUCH MORE! …

Ramos, the chief shakedown thug, then said something unbelievable: "We want a sample bottle of all your products including RON (RUM) etc. that you produce." We do not make rum but I said, “Here is a bottle of every product we do produce, but since your order was below my minimum requirement, we would have to charge a higher price.” Well, you should have heard his unbelievable reply! All of a sudden I'm a slimy-limey English f–ing a–hole and a motherf–ing jerk who should go to hell because he’ll never pay for anything I have to supply free! As you all know, I don’t use profanity, and I have not the teeniest idea what his presumably foul words meant. But to avoid further trouble, I gave him two cases of my finest. Oh dear! I know I’ll never collect and I wonder where the barbecue will be this weekend? (wink, wink)

Now here's the funny part: They also wanted to confiscate the flavouring part of the wine (sphincters of selected small animals) and check the process we use! These idiots have no concept of how real wines, like ours, are made. Their utter ignorance was displayed a couple of months ago when they asked, "where do you buy the alcohol to put into your wine”. When I report to them on Monday, maybe I’ll include a couple of cases of bread yeast, “levadura” in Spanish. With that stuff you can even turn Panther Piss into alcohol. (No, that’s not what I use in my own special brand of Pantherpiss). Anyway, my licence says nothing about providing these bandits with freebies every month, or how I get the alcohol into the wine.

My wine is made from grape-flavoured jelly (or equivalent) to which water and then alcohol, produced by fermenting potato peelings, and flavoured with animal sphincters, is added. If you are drinking my wine, at least at most of the ALL INCLUSIVE hotels, you can be sure it’s genuine because it’s served from a plastic bag, using air to force it out. This only adds to its indescribable taste! The cost of my wine served from a plastic bag is only about US$100 a litre. Those who insist it be served from a 755 ml bottle are using the same great ingredients but, of course, are paying a little more.

NEXT
One day earlier this last week - I think it was Wednesday - I was delivering some wine to my best private customer in Sosua (the POLICE CHIEF), when I was approached by a rep. from the Department of Health in Puerto Plata. He showed me a new certificate, that they want me to display, to whit: STAFF AND PREMISES HAVE BEEN INSPECTED AND ALL ASSHOLES MEET DOMINICAN STANDARDS. Can you believe it?? The head honchos in Santo Domingo would sign this so-called ‘certificate’.

Now, I was warned by Santo Domingo, earlier, to beware the people from Puerto Plata - they will try to shake you down. Anyway, this so-called rep. was quite prepared to come to my premises there and then and give me the new paper. I said I was too busy and said he should come on Friday at 11:27:47 precisely. Surprise! Surprise! He turned up at 11.29.38, apologizing for being late. THEN, by God, after filling out a few forms, he told me we have to go to Puerto Plata, to a different Laboratory to do all the tests again! Whilst we are ‘Nationally’ approved - we are not 'Provincially’ approved - The cost is 1500 pesos for the piece of paper, plus the test costs. However, if I pay him for his work - HE WILL DO THE TESTS ON OUR BEHALF - I chose the latter. Let's wait for the 'NEW DOCUMENT' - Hope he passes the tests.

If you do not believe this stuff - come here and try to run a business - BRIBARY is what makes this economy - NOT run. Imagine a Government employee driving a 2007 LEXUS 4WD - and he's only a tax inspector - or maybe that is why!!

If only Leonel started to run his Country like a normal business, they would be way ahead of the World. Just my 2 pesos worth.

TWTWTW

avocadolyin@blogspot.com

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