WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?

FROM THE RICARDO LIMARDO HOSPITAL, PUERTO PLATA

Saturday Sept. 16th.

PUMPING!
I know everyone has been breathlessly awaiting the FULL story of my birthday dinner yesterday, but faithful readers, you will be terribly disappointed to learn that I can't recall much of it!! But here's what I do remember:

The first course started out being superb - duck pâté drizzled with a tantalising raspberry coulis served on exquisite bone china with silver forks. But then, as I pushed my fork into the second mouthful, there was a strange commotion as a demonic, witch-like figure danced into the room and it was cackling away, "Brian forked the duck and then the duck forked Brian!".

To my hazy recollection, I could almost swear this demonic figure looked like that idiot Marjorie Proops, not that I ever use abusive language, as you all know. Then the demon did something strange with chicken claws, sand, matches and a peacock feather. Our maid who saw all this going on, shrieked, "She's doing a trabajo!!!" I don't believe in witchcraft, but for anyone stupid enough to believe this rubbish, trabajo is an exorcism to exterminate evil spirits.

I must have fainted because the next thing I recall was being in a car where I was told we were going to hospital. I said that IF that was necessary I should be taken to Centro Medico where all the rich foreigners go. But the driver who must have been talking with my wife, said I wasn't a rich foreigner because I only gave her US$43.67 per month pocket money and so we were going to the public hospital. The nerve of that idiot! Had I not been weak, frail and unwell I would have sorted him out then and there !!!!

So here I am in Ricardo Limardo Hospital and I can assure you, my faithful readers, this is NOT a place you would want to be in! Every hour on the hour I keep seeing those film extras or DR1 Defenders or whatever they are. They bring the unmentionable object in the photograph and tell me that on the next visit they will perform. Apparently they also moonlight as medics in this hospital. Some medics! Why do they bring a horse stomach pump (pictured at left)? Are they trying to intimidate me? They say, “Mr. Wails, (they can't even spell my name right!) we have come to extract the Pantherpiss” …

So this can't be real! I'm sure it's all a nightmare and I will soon wake up. But why is there a ghetto blaster in this hospital ward? And why does it keep repeating one tune, Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64, which BTW I turned yesterday. And the announcer kept saying, This is sung to you by Fidel Mendoza on your special day, Lyin' Brian!

And why do the nurses have written on their uniforms the logo Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band? And name tags with non-Dominican names like Maureen McMullen or Maureen Davies on them? Will I ever wake up from all of this …?

Ah ha! Maybe I am waking up The music has changed to, Yesterday, All my troubles seemed so far away, Now it looks as though they're here to stay … Oh NO! Those four 'medics' have just returned. Will no-one get me out of here? Where are all my friends? Where are all my relatives and DR friends who care about me?

OUCH!