UPGRADE CERTIFICATE TO TOTAL ASSHOLE

Hi, everyone, it's Lyin' Brian again, and I want to show you the certificate I won on my 64th birthday. As you all know, I was in hospital on that day, and the Awards Committe refused to enter the hospital owing to the dreadful condition of the ward in which I was held under guard because I refused to pay their bill.

Fortunately, the committee placed it in my outhouse file under the circular lid, and Linda , with some gentle persuasion (he,he), was kind enough to retrieve it for me. (Well, OK, I first had to get her pissed on a bottle of my special Pantherpiss Vodka but that wasn't hard!)