HOPPING FOR TOGETHERNESS

Agnostic Ex-priest to Hop Across Bridge in Bid to "Unite All Peoples in Togetherness"


By Scott Upchuk, religious reporter for Dump False Gods and Embrace Scientology, subtitled "Cultural Learnings of Agnosticism To Make Benefit Wonderful World of Scientology"

In his basement apartment Dr. Lipschitz (left) contemplates his hop acoss bridge during rush hour in support of togetherness

HALIFAX, N.S. On a Friday afternoon near Christmas, Fred W. Lipschitz, MD, OEM, OC, FRCFDS, CD, a lapsed Catholic priest and now a High Priest of Scientology, will begin a hop from Halifax to Dartmouth with one leg strapped at the thigh and ankle, and the opposite arm tied behind his back.

Dr. Lipschitz said he is doing this, "To draw world attention to the meaning and message of Scientology," he said. "If I simply walked across the bridge on my own two feet, it would gather little publicity. But if my walk is done under difficult conditions, it will cause great excitement, especially as I get close to the toll booths on the Dartmouth side."

The "difficult conditions" Dr. Lipschitz mentioned are more than the leg strapping that will slow him down considerably. He wouldn't tell this reporter his exact age, but he is clearly well past his dotage. Having non of the charisma of Tom Cruise, it is hard to believe that the old geezer will get very far during his bridge hop. Nevertheless, I found him to be a quite sprightly senior with an engaging wizened face topped with a mop of unruly yellowing hair. With a face that can hardly be described as pleasant, his perpetual scowl is occasionally enlivened with a disingenuous lopsided grin, which give him a look of slightly morbid pixilated fishiness.

Expected to take "several hours", Dr, Lipschitz will begin his hop when his wife lets him out of their 1987 Plymouth Gullwing Flashmaster sedan on the Halifax side of the bridge. It will start about 5 PM on a Friday afternoon when bridge traffic is high with home-bound commuters. To add to the excitement and publicity, Dr. Lipschitz will be clothed only in a rusty chain-mail jacket and will carry no luggage beyond a few personal belongings, such as a toothbrush, a change of underwear, and a notebook containing a short list of inspirational aphorisms from L. Ron Hubbard, which he says, "guide my thinking and every movement." Dr. Lipschitz said he became an agnostic and believer in Scientology after a lengthy correspondence with the late L. Ron Hubbard over the meaning of 'engram transportutation'.

In a wide-ranging interview conducted in his cluttered basement apartment near Dalhousie University in Halifax, he said that if he completes the bridge hop, next year he will attempt a more ambitious hop, "from Halifax to Augusta, Maine, via Yarmouth."

When I pointed out that such a trip would include over-the-water bits, he admitted, "I can't get very far hopping on water, but over the water part of the trip, I will row a boat with one arm immobilzed in the same way one leg is immobilzed over the land bits."

Over tea and a plate of his home-made chocolate chip cookies, I asked him why he is undertaking such a difficult challenge when already he has achieved notoriety for past quixotic endeavours and is now perched in the top tier of category three senior citizenship. "Shouldn't you be relaxing and sopping up the rewards of a well-earned retirement?" I asked.

Shrugging aside the uncalled-for compliments, he said, "I have written a book, which I believe with all due modesty, tells exactly how to bring together all peoples by ridding the world of racism, bigotry, alcoholism, drug addiction, and put an end to the avalanche of fraud on the internet which if not halted will put paid to the digital revolution.

"As I draw nearer to the end of my days, I believe that with my book, I can still make a difference in a bitterly divided world that needs to come together into one human family. This must occur irrespective of colour, sex, race or religion, living peacefully and in harmony without false gods misleading the intellectually lazy, stupid dunces who believe in the specious gobbledegook found at the heart of all religions. I believe with Hegel that God is, as it were, the sewer into which all contradictions flow."

As I struggled with the Hegel reference, Dr. Lipschitz continued with his anti-religious observations. "I am especially nauseated by the pietistical hypocrisy of religion, especially the Christian variety, The phony reverential stance, the devout lowering of the eyes, the clasping of the hands saying, "look at me, aren't I holy?", the chanting of the priests who spout their ritualistic blather while their minds are wholly occupied on the fat choir boy they'll sodomize during evening vespers."

Mesmerized by the choir boy image, (are fat ones really better?) I continued to munch his delicious cookies (he refused to give me the recipe). Dr. Lipschitz then ditched his sour anti-religious mood, and becoming upbeat, enthused about his coming hop. Grinning lopsidedly, he said, "I'm looking forward with pleasure to the many world leaders who will be watching my hop on TV and will ask for copies of my book. My only regret is that the book, Spreading the Non Gospel -- Working with Honkies, Chinks, Wops, Dagos and Blacks, is not getting the critical attention it deserves.

Dr. Lipschitz hopes that this "strange" lack of recognition" will be corrected by the publicity he expects to gain from his bridge crossing 'hopodyssey'. "During my hop, I intend to distribute copies of my book to as many backed up commuters who get by me and wave me on with encouraging toots of their horn, and, hopefully, few middle finger salutes."

This is not the first time Dr. Lipschitz has embarked on a quixotic mission to right a world full of perceived wrongs. In the early nineties, he and his wife attracted much local media attention, when, as pairs dancers, they set out to Lindy Hop their way across the Halifax Commons. This stunt was meant to draw attention to the threat to the environment posed by the vast amount of unsolicited junk mail that then cluttered our mailboxes but now clutters our computer email in-boxes.

Unfortunately, they only got as far as the first baseball diamond, when they had to call a halt when his wife, Abigail Louise, developed a cramp in her left leg. Dr. Lipschitz attempted to continue on alone, but he got only a few meters when he found that without his wife, solo Lindy Hop-dancing made it impossible to maintain a straight line and he kept rotating in circles.

Dump God and I will be on hand when Dr. Lipschitz begins his journey and will bring you all the details of this wonderfully courageous and inspirational odyssey.

Scott Upchuk, for Dump God and Start Living